Mad Movie Merchandise

The Fan Can looks into the consumer world's most bonkers-in-the-nut movie tie-in ideas…

 

 

Buying into a film needn't be all about believing in the characters and taking a narrative journey – using money's far easier. The movie industry licenses all manner of paraphernalia from, about and inspired by its silver screen output. Here's ten of the most ill-conceived items to which Hollywood has given the green light in exchange for the greenbacks.

 

Freddy's Greatest Hits

 

Freddy's Greatest Hits

Demonstrating how a horror icon can slip from figure of fear to avuncular funbag is this - an album of limp covers and insipid originals whilst the star cackles maniacally throughout. It's hard to imagine that any of the series' fans were pleased with their purchase once they'd heard at least 30 seconds of its sub-standard synth pap.

 

If Robert Englund cooing, "Don't dream!" over a song of the same name between fag breaks is your thing then, hey, dive in. We were always under the impression that Freddy wanted us to dream though. And let's not even get into the inexplicable inclusion of Woolly Bully.

 

Street Fighter: The Movie

 

Street Fighter the Movie (game)

No, not the movie itself, the video game of the movie.

 

The movie based on the original video game, that is. This is the video game of the movie based on the video game. Yeah, you know the movie – it changed a bunch of stuff from the video game to make it into said movie. They then brought a video game out based on that.

 

With Kylie.

 

Conceptual clusterbunkum.

 

 

James Bond "Jaws" Replica Teeth

 

Jaw teeth

Replicas are a step-up from mere merch'. Their acquisition separates the hardcore from the casual.

 

And whilst a seven foot statue of, say, Predator in your living room might imply that your genitals receive as much sexual attention as they do hygiene products, these belief-begging facsimiles of Richard Kiel's prop falsies are clearly leagues above anything a sane person might want to own.

 

The packaging boasts that it's "based on the same 1:1 mould" which is a bit like bragging about using the same murder weapon as your favourite serial killer – nobody's impressed, they're terrified.

 

Star Trek Spock Coffin

 

Spock's coffin

So, you're dead. In health terms, that's pretty much rock bottom.

 

But don't worry, because you can still shatter any shreds of dignity you might have accumulated whilst alive with this fine piece of body-storing bullshit – the final resting place for the truly tragic.

 

Based on the torpedo that blasts ol' Vulcan brows into orbit, it's not even that dissimilar to a regular casket to justify purchase. Still, we daresay your relatives would get over the whole grieving process a hell of a lot quicker than they'd expected.

 

Black Stamps

 

Black stamps fro the Hammer double bill of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb

Less a piece of merchandising, more a promotional tool, these were distributed to anyone attending a double-bill of Hammer's The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb.

 

You couldn't use them, they held no value or any relation to either film and quite what their affect on takings were is anybody's guess. Still, fake stamps eh?

 

 

 

 

Jar Jar Binks Candy Tongue

 

Jar Jar Binks candy tongue

Lock tongues with Gungan's garrulous bellend with a confectionary item so visually unappealing it's likely to leave adult onlookers hastily punching Childline's number into their phone on sight of a child attempting to eat one.

 

Apart from the inner satisfaction of removing the alien irritant's tongue for good, we don't see how even someone with an IQ into negative equity could have thought this a good idea.

 

Even the strictly unauthorised Boba Fett Bong seems a better bet; a hit on that would at least prove a soothing counterpoint to the antipathy watching The Phantom Menace provokes.

 

The Lion King Simba Ear Hat

 

Simba Ear Hat

"Now I know you love the The Lion King son, so Daddy got you this to wear."

 

"Aaaagh! Daddy's scalped Simba, Mummy!"

 

 

 

Twilight Engagement Ring

 

Bella's Twilight engagement ring

Nothing says "I love a shit vampire film series more than you," than a replica piece of jewellery straight off've Bella's third finger, left hand.

 

And for just £1,300 you'll never have a better chance of hearing your intended turn down your proposal with such eagerness, confusion and disgust.

 

A startling reminder that whilst true love may never die, taste is always in serious jeopardy of passing off this mortal coil.

 

Divorce papers written in garlic wrapped around a wooden steak presumably coming soon.

 

E.T The Video Game

 

The ET video nasty!

Video game tie-ins are pretty much universally awful but this abomination plumbed hitherto undiscovered depths of dire. Critically-speaking, its reputation is lower than an octogenarian's ballsack.

 

Made for the Atari 2600 (an impressive bit of kit in its time, but nowadays you'd find a faster cell processor in a pebble) it played a significant part in that console's eventual demise, thanks to its absurdly inflated licensing budget in lieu of any decent development costs.

 

It's a plodding, primitive experience, free of joy, challenge or reward. Unsold copies, of which there were millions, are alleged to have been buried in a New Mexico landfill.

 

That'll learn the glowy-fingered turdbox.

 

The Dark Knight Kids Meal Toys

 

Hungry Jack's and Burger King's Dark Knight kids' toys

Christopher Nolan's polarising take on Gotham's winged avenger is either a fascinating character study of man's moral ambiguity or a load of old, drizzly, self- important, po-faced pretension.

 

What it patently isn't, though - what with its scarring, stabbings and sadism - is a kid's flick.

 

All the more baffling, then, that to promote the film, Warners jumped in with fast food giants, Burger King and Hungry Jacks, who promptly distributed brightly-coloured, crappy, plastic tat to go with their juvenile junk boxes.

 

Hardly a ringing endorsement of the movie's somewhat sombre tone.

 

Still, perhaps we shouldn't wish for products that accurately reflect the film's content, else Last Tango in Paris would have had us smearing "I Can't Believe It's Not Anal Lube!" all over our breakfast buns years ago…

 

Miles Hamer

 

 

Mad Movie Merchandise
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